THE CAMEO’s

Blooper Reel

“The Here and Now” universe

ATTENTION! The following features have been issued a food and drink warning! View at your own risk. Upon the recommendation of several much-respected individuals in the Jixemitri administrative community, The Cameo is hereby placing an advisory that the contents of this Blooper Reel may cause the spewing out of beverages from the mouth and/or nose. In addition, please use discretion in the consumption of solid foods while perusing these outtakes. If food becomes lodged in esophagus, please seek medical attention immediately.

The Cameo is not responsible for damages resulting from the spilling, spewing, or choking of/on beverages and/or food. Furthermore, The Cameo is not entitled to reimburse the patron for new computer screens (so in other words, don’t spit your coffee out on that new expensive plasma monitor), keyboards (spew cookie crumbs in opposite direction, please), etc. etc. WARNING! Certain types of food can become dangerous projectiles when rapidly ejected from one’s mouth. The Cameo is not responsible if those peanuts become guided missiles.

The Cameo acknowledges the common occurrence of incontinence among women. Our theatre is a caring, sharing environment, sensitive to the feelings of its patrons. Therefore, to help prevent any embarrassing accidents, The Cameo advises its viewers (especially those who are pregnant, or who have not been practicing their Kegels) to please expel all liquids from your bladder (go pee) before this special feature. The Cameo is not responsible for the staining of clothing and/or furniture for failure to comply with this request.

Thank you. Please enjoy the special feature. J

Click these hyperlinks below to jump to outtakes from these stories:

Boys Will Be Boys | A Day In The Life Of Moms | Saccharine Sweet Revenge |

Mystery of Rip Van Winkle’s Ghost | All I Want For Christmas | What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?

Confessions of Three Teenage Drama Queens | A Sticky Situation

Continue to Page Two of the Blooper Reel

	Bloopers from “Boys Will Be Boys”
	Scene 4, Take 1
Bobby:	But anyway, we were just sittin’ around and talkin’ about the baptizing they had at the church last Sunday.
April:	Cut! Bobby, you need to say “capsizing”. Scene 4, take 2. Action!
Bobby:	But anyway, we were just sittin’ around and talkin’ about the baptiz…
April:	Cut! Bobby, you said “baptizing” again. It’s “capsizing”.
Bobby:	No, it’s not. I’m sick of getting my words wrong all the time. Everybody out there has no idea that I truly have an extraordinary understanding of the English language. I’m outta here! You can call my agent!
	Scene 5, Take 1.
Peter:	Gee, thanks, Helen.
	(Helen wraps her arms around her husband’s waist.)
Helen:	I’ll make it up to you later, Peter dear.
	(Peter wiggles his eyebrows at her, dips her back, and kisses her passionately. One of his hands rubs her backside and the other trails under her shirt to…)
April:	Cut! Somebody get the water hose! What do you think this is, guys? Jix-18?! Yellow star! Do you hear me? YELLOW star!
	Scene 6, Take 1
Diana:	Honey is right. You’re just…just oozing with natural beauty!
Trixie:	Yeah, I’m oozing all right… (CRACK!!!) OUCH!!! That really hurt! She broke that hair brush on me!
Honey:	*giggling madly* Sorry, Trix.
April:	Props! We need a new hairbrush!
	Scene 7, Take 1
Di:	Trixie, have you heard the legend of Princess Supple Blink Blink?
April:	Cut! That’s Bling Bling, Di. Take 2! Action!
Di:	(batting eyes in confusion) Trixie, have you heard the legend of Princess Supple Ching Ching?
April:	Cut! It’s “Bling Bling”, Diana. “Bling, Bling”. It’s one of the elements! Get it right! All right! Take 3! Action!
Di:	Trixie, have you heard of the legend of Princess Supple… What was it again?
April:	Cut! Does anyone know if Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen is available?
	Scene 11, Take 1
	(Relieved that Bambi and the drug lord were still wrestling, Extra #2 quiets down and becomes glued to the television program. Extra #2 leans up closer to the TV as the crook rips Bambi’s top and her big br…)
April:	Cut! I said cut! This is where you boys are supposed to switch the channel! Hello, Jim? Are you listening to me? Cut!!!!!
	Scene 12, Take 1
Mart:	Don’t forget Matthew McConaughey!
Dan:	Geez, why don’t you guys wake up and smell the coffee! Trixie likes some dark-haired bad boy biker…
April:	Cut! I’m a traditionalist, Dan. Sorry, but there is no sandy haired detective in your future.
Jim:	Yeah, Dan. April loves me, so you’ll have to settle for Hallie.
Dan:	Sorry, guys. I was in the wrong uni!
	Scene 13, Take 1
April:	Trixie, now you’re going to stomp up the stairs to get your dad. Ready? Action!
	(clomp, clomp *scream* bonk, bonk, bonk THUD!!! )
Trixie:	I’m okay! (jumping to her feet)
	Bloopers from “A Day in the Life of Moms”
	Scene 3, Take 1
Mart:	Alas, I must concede to my eldest kinsman. Brian most likely has an itemized spreadsheet, effectively calculating all antidotes…
April:	Cut! That’s antecedents, Mart. Let’s try it again. Take 2! Action.
Mart:	Alas, I must concede to my eldest kinsman. Brian most likely has an itemized spreadsheet, effectively calculating all anteaters…
April:	Cut! Antecedents! The word is antecedents!
Mart:	I don’t know why I get all the crappy lines! Why do I have to use all the big words? Brian’s the future doctor! Or how about Jim? He’s the one who skipped two years of school! Why do I get stuck with all the hard lines? This bites!
	Scene 7, Take 1
Helen:	Gently blow while I rub. (Five minutes later…) Stand still, Bobby. It’s still not out. (Ten minutes later…) It’s not coming out! It’s stuck up there! Can someone get this out! Omigosh! What do I do! Breathe, Bobby, breathe!
April:	Cut! Can someone call the medic!
	Scene 8, Take 1
April:	Cue the phone. Action!
Helen:	(phone rings) Hello! Belden residence.
Peter:	Hey, baby! How’s your day going?
Helen:	Much better now that you called.
Peter:	What are you wearing? Do you have on those lacy black pa---
April:	Cut! Yellow star, Peter! Yellow star!
	Scene 9, Take 1
Bobby:	Is Jim goin’?
Honey:	No, lamb. He’s helping Brian with his car. But he’ll be here later. Why do you ask?
Bobby:	I was wantin’ to show him his name. Trixie wrote it in her diarrhea.
Honey:	Oh, that’s gross! (Honey turns a ghastly shade of green) I think I’m going to thr… (runs to bathroom)
	Scene 10, Take 1
Jim:	Hey, Trix, maybe later I can take you and Honey around to pick up some of those donations. (Seeing his moment, Jim finally gathers his courage and grabs Trixie. He plants an open mouth kiss…)
April:	Cut! Jim, read the script. You’re supposed to tug on her curl!
Jim:	You mean I can’t kiss her?
April:	Not in this uni! Get used to fond glances, Jim baby.
Jim:	Man, this sucks!
	Bloopers from “Saccharine Sweet Revenge”
	Scene 3, Take 1
Helen:	Sounds heavenly. (She rubs Peter’s chest and wiggles seductively against him.)
Peter:	(Slams bedroom door shut)
April:	Uh, cut! Go ahead and take a lunch break, guys. They might be a while!
	Scene 6, Take 1
Mart:	I’d better call Brian and let him know that Moms and Dad made it off okay. (pretends to push phone buttons) Hey, Brian….Yeah, we just got home a few minutes ago…He cried the whole way home, but he’s asleep now…Yes, I remembered to---
Operator:	Beep! Beep! Beep! Hello. If you wish to make a call, please hang up and try again.
Trixie:	*giggle* Cut! You doofus! You forgot to hold the button down!
April:	Cut!
	Scene 7, Take 1
Trixie:	Sure, I’ll talk to Jim…Hi, Jim….Yeah, we’ll be there tomorrow…Gee, Jim, that sounds great!...*sigh* I already told Brian that I wouldn’t…But it was him! I’m sure of it…Yes, I remember when I thought Harrison was a thief…Ohhh! I know what I saw James Frayne!... *giggle* Jim! I never knew you could talk dirty! Yes, I wish you had made a move in the tunnel, too! Maybe later we can…
April:	Cut! Keep with the script, Trixie! Take 2!
	Scene 13, Take 1
Trixie:	Maybe my almost-twin is too hungry to use his immense vocabulary.
Jim:	Find any mysteries while we were away, Shamus? (tugging his favorite curl)
Trixie:	(grinning stupidly while mesmerized by Jim’s green eyes)
April:	Cut! Trixie, you missed your line. Let’s try it again. Take 2! Action!
	(Honey and Di giggle while Bobby pokes Trixie in the ribs)
Trixie:	Huh? Did I miss something?
April:	Cut! Trixie, sweetie, go wipe the drool from your chin and focus. Jim, try not to be so supple. You’re distracting the cast.
	Scene 15, Take 1
	(The Bob-Whites are in the Cameo. The lights have just went down and the movie is about to start.)
Announcer:	Welcome to the Cameo! Mart Belden, keep your hands to yourself and wipe that lipstick off your face! Diana Lynch, tuck your shirt back in your skirt and fluff your hair! Now let’s keep this PG-13 and enjoy the show!
	Scene 17, Take 1
Di:	Uh, Brian, do you mind taking me home?
Brian:	Sure, Di.
Mart:	Your chariot awaits, malady!
Brian:	(dropping to the floor in laughter) You just called Di a disease! You mean ‘m’lady’!
Di:	*gasp!* How could you, Mart Belden! I thought what we had was special! (Slaps his face and runs to her dressing room)
Mart:	Di! Wait! It’s not my fault, I swear! It’s that director! She made a typo on my script! (runs after her)
April:	Cut! Mwah-ha-ha! My diabolical plot to break them up has succeeded! Mwah-ha-ha! Mart Belden shall be mine!
	Scene 24, Take 1
	(Honey gracefully walks down stairs, flipping her honey-colored hair over her shoulder. She flashes a thousand watt smile.)
Trixie Voiceover:	(thinking) Gleeps! I wish I could look like that when I walk down stairs! *wistful smile* Honey sure knows how to ma…
	(Honey’s feet slip on the polished wood stairs, and they fly out from under her.) *PLOP* *PLOP* *PLOP* *PLOP* (Trixie doubles over in laughter until she’s rolling in the floor.)
April:	Cut! You okay there, Honey?
	Scene 31, Take 1
Bobby:	Sorry. False alarm. I thoughted he moved, but he was just breathing.
	(Trixie leaves room)
	WHACK! (Bobby whacks Sgt. Molinson again with the skillet) Sorry! He breathed again.
April:	All right, cut! That’s a wrap.
	WHACK!
April:	I said cut, Bobby!
	WHACK!!
April:	Bobby, that’s a wrap! You don’t need to hit him anymore!
	WHACK!!!
April:	*Snatching skillet from Bobby’s grasp* Okay, Sgt. Molinson, you can get up now. Sgt. Molinson? *patting his hand and checking for a pulse* Sgt. Molinson, can you hear me? Medic! Does anyone know CPR?
	Bloopers from “The Mystery of Rip Van Winkle’s Ghost”
	Scene 1, Take 1
Mart:	Methinks Don Juan has disregarded the captivating damsel with whom he has been spending an exorbitant amount of time.
Dan:	(scratches chin) Who…oh, Ruthie Kettner.
April:	Cut! It’s Amy Morrisey, Dan. Let’s try it again. Scene 1, take 2! Action!
Mart:	Methinks Don Juan has disregarded the captivating damsel with whom he has been spending an exorbitant amount of time.
Dan:	(scratches chin) Who…oh, Hallie Belden?
April:	ut! Can’t you keep track of your girlfriends, Dan? The flavor of the month is AMY MORRISEY!
Mart:	Dude, I’m getting you a day planner for Christmas so you can keep track of all your chicks.
	Scene 2, take 1
Honey:	They’re here, Jim! They’re here!
	(A greenish van pulls in the driveway, and a perfectly coifed and stylishly dressed blond girl gets out.)
Blond girl:	James Frayne?
Jim:	That’s me. Are you Daphne Blake?
Blond girl:	Daphne Blake? Are you kidding? Everybody knows me! I’m Nancy Drew!
Trixie:	(whispering to Honey) Nancy who?
April:	Cut! Wrong fanfic site, sweetheart!
	Scene 7, Take 1
Fred:	Let’s head out, gang. I think we can build a simple trap with clothes hangers, soap suds, and a weed-eater.
Jim:	(rolling eyes) That’s not our style, Fred. Let me tell you how it works. Trixie and Honey search for clues. We give them a hard time about being too suspicious. Brian and I throw in a lecture or two, and Mart teases Trixie relentlessly. Trixie usually figures it all out after someone, usually Trixie and or Honey, gets kidnapped. They are rescued in the nick of time, and we get some type of reward which we donate to charity.
Fred:	Well, we’ve always found the ‘find clues, set a trap using Shaggy and Scooby as bait, and unmask the bad guy’ method to work.
Jim:	*getting in Fred’s face* Well, this isn’t your turf, now is it, Freddie?
Fred:	*pointing his finger in Jim’s face* Well, maybe you need a real man to take charge around here and show you the right way to solve a mystery.
Jim:	*pushing Fred* Well, maybe you need to take your little ascot and high tail it out of here.
Fred:	*balling up fist* Man, you can insult my chick, my wheels, or my dog, but don’t mess with my ascot! *takes a swing at Jim*
Shaggy:	Fight! Fight!
Dan:	(whispering to Mart) I’ve got $5 on the redhead.
	Scene 13, Take 1
Jim:	What did everyone find?
Shaggy:	(holds out box of chocolates) Like man, just this groovy box of chocolate.
Dan:	(opens lid) Where’s the chocolate?
Mart:	BURP!!! (grins sheepishly) Sorry, guys!
April:	Cut! Let’s try this again. Take 2! Action!
Jim:	What did everyone find?
Shaggy:	(holds out box of chocolates) Like man, just this groovy box of chocolate.
Dan:	(opens lid) *in best Forrest Gump voice* My mama said life was like a box of chocolates.
April:	*giggle* Cut! Very good Tom Hanks impersonation, Dan.
	Scene 14, Take 1
Velma:	Actually, it’s French. Fortunately, I am fluent in seven languages, including French. Roughly translated, it says, ‘My precious dove, I am astounded by your beauty. You drive me crazy when you wear your smart tweed suits and your sensible shoes. Your brisk efficiency makes me want to sweep you off your feet and make mad, passionate love---
	(Trixie and Honey burst out in a fit of giggles)
April:	Cut! Try to focus girls. Let’s try this again. Take 2! Action!
Velma:	Actually, it’s French. Fortunately, I am fluent in seven languages, including French. Roughly translated, it says, ‘My precious dove, I am astounded by your beau---
	(Trixie and Honey fall on the ground laughing.)
Honey:	*wiping tears from laughing so hard* S-s-sorry. I’m r-really trying.
Trixie:	We’ll do better next time.
April:	All right. Take 3! Action!
Velma:	Actually, it’s French. Fortunately, I am fluent in seven languages, including French. Roughly translated, it says, ‘My precious dove, I am astounded by your beauty. You drive me crazy when you wear your smart tweed suits and your sen---
	(All the Bob-Whites burst out laughing and roll on the floor, doubled up, clutching their stomachs.)
April:	Cut!
	Scene 19, Take 1
	(Jim, Fred, Mart, Brian, and Dan enter Miss Trask’s room. Shaggy jumps out of the bed, dressed in the black teddy.)
Shaggy:	*dancing provocatively around the room* Like, how’s this, man?
April:	(collapsing in laughter) Cut!
Shaggy:	Like if the cartoon gig ever dries up, I think I gotta future as a showgirl, man.
	Scene 20, Take 1
	(Trixie, Jim, Mart, Honey, and Scooby are all in Miss Trask’s closet waiting for Rip Van Winkle’s ghost.)
	(Honey shrieks and jumps up)
Honey:	All right! Who was touching my butt?
Scooby:	*hangs head* Ror-ry, Runny.
April:	Cut!
	Scene 22, Take 1
	(The Bob-Whites and Mystery Inc. watched as the form carefully stood on the branch and prepared to jump to the balcony. They each held their breath as the ‘ghost’ leaped to the balcony, landed on the trampoline, and was shot into the air. They jumped up from out of the closet and hurried to the balcony and peered over the edge. Rip Van Winkle overshot the mattress below and landed on the ground below.)
Rip Van Winkle:	(groaning and moaning and writhing in pain)
April:	Uhhh… cut! I think we’re going to need a new stunt man!
	Bloopers from “All I Want For Christmas”
	Scene 1, Take 1
Bobby:	Ev’rybody thopthz an’ tharethz at me. Thethe two front teeth are gone athz you can thee. I don’t know who to blame for thithz catastrophe---
April:	Cut! Don’t say ‘catastrophe’, Bobby. Follow the script. It’s ‘mu-ma-ma-me’.
Bobby:	But that’s stupid! What’s ‘mu-ma-ma-me’ anyway?
April:	You’re not supposed to remember the word, Bobby. It’s funny. Trust me. Now, try it again from the top. Scene 1, Take 2! Action!
Bobby:	Ev’rybody stops and st---
April:	Cut! You forgot the lisp, Bobby! Let’s do it again. Scene 1, Take 3! Action!
Bobby:	Ev’rybody thopthz an’ tharethz at me. Thethe two front teeth are gone athz you can thee. I don’t know who to blame for thithz mu-ma-ma-me. But my one wish on Chrithmath Eve ithz athz plain athz it can be.
April:	Cut! That was better Bobby, but I need more bouncing. Let’s do it again from the top, this time with happier bouncing. Scene 1, Take 4! Action!
Bobby:	Ev’rybody thopthz an’ tharethz at me. Thethe two front teeth are gone athz you can thee. I don’t know who---
	(Suddenly a fiendish scream is heard from off set, and Bobby is tackled from behind.)
Mart:	*madly waving a roll of duct tape* I can’t take it anymore! I’ve got to shut this kid up! I’m going crazy! If I have to hear that song one more time, I’ll---
April:	Cut! I think this would be a good time for lunch…
	Scene 2, Take 1
Bobby:	(Bobby bounces to Trixie’s side) Whatcha’ want?
Trixie:	Say ‘I wish you a merry Christmas.’
Bobby:	I with ya a merry Chrith--- YOW! *Bobby flings Isaac Newt up in the air.* He bited me! The little dummyface bited me! OW!! It’s bleedin’! Do I gotted rabies?
April:	Cut! Get the medic and the animal trainer! And someone find that newt! We gotta have it! It’s one of the required elements!
	Scene 8, Take 1
Trixie:	Oooh! Ewan McGregor in matador breeches! I’m there!
Honey:	I’ll take Tom Welling any day.
Di:	My favorite is still Martin Beld--- oops! *giggling*
Mart:	A-ha! The truth is out! The effervescent Diana’s heart can only beat for one! Come away with me my love, where we shall bask in the glory of our affections a fortnight---
April:	Cut!
	Scene 9, Take 1
Trixie:	Reese Witherspoon! She’s so cute… and perky. UGH!!!
Honey:	(pretending to barf) Brittany Murphy! I thought Brian had better taste than that. Why, she can’t even act. All she can do is bat those big cow eyes of hers.
Di:	And I know Liv Tyler is supposed to be a really nice person, but who is going to believe that someone that beautiful is actually sweet?
Trixie:	And Catherine Zeta Jones’ character was just thrown in there as a love interest for the extra guy. Nobody really likes her anyway. And while I’m at it, let me just say that character is snooty and her little attitude really gets on my nerves! No kissy kissy! Puh-lease! Like I wanted my lips anywhere near her greasy hair! It looked like it hadn’t been washed for a month. And where does she get off trying to solve MY mystery?! She’s just trying to steal my thunder, like she always does! And don’t even get me started about the goo-goo eyes I saw her flash at Jim…
April:	Cut! Talk to the therapist, sweetie. For now, let’s stick to the script.
	Scene 11, Take 1
Jim:	Probably giggling and gossiping about Ewan McGregor.
Brian:	And Tom Welling.
Mart:	Don’t forget Matthew McConaughey.
Dan:	*smiling that devastatingly handsome smile that only Dan can smile* Nah. Secretly, they’re all lusting after Orlando Bloom.
	(Suddenly, Dan is pummeled with several various objects from all directions.)
	Scene 13, Take 1
Brian:	You know, I think I’m finally going to take things up a notch with Honey on New Year’s Eve.
Jim:	Hey, if I can’t make a move on your sister, do you actually think I’m going to let you make a move on mine?
Brian:	It was worth a shot.
Dan:	Jim, can I see if Honey’s willing to round third base with me?
Jim:	Sure, Dan. I heard from Dana that Honey thinks you’re pretty hot.
Brian:	CUT!!! That’s not in the script! This is your universe, April! You won’t do that, will you?
April:	Weeeellll… I am a big fan of Dana’s writing…
	Bloopers from “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?”
	Scene 2, Take 1
Bobby:	Don’t worry Even though Moms ain’t here, she lefted your breafesk in the oven for ya.
	(Mart jumps up, opens the oven door and reaches for one of the plates.)
Bobby:	Wait, Mart! Don’t forget….
	(Mart screams and drops the plate of food on the floor.)
Bobby:	…the oven mitts.
April:	Cut! Call the medic and get the clean up crew in here!
	Scene 8, Take 1
Brian:	(Crossing arms, assuming stern expression) Now that they’re gone, I think it’s necessary for me to lay down a few rules. Rule number one, no going into any of the bedrooms. Rule number two, keep your hands to yourself, as much as possible. If you have any itches in awkward places, deal with it.
Jim:	I think we heard the ‘keep all hands, feet, and objects to yourself’ lecture in kindergarten, Brian.
Brian:	Rule C, no---
Trixie:	*giggling* We’re using numbers, not letters, Bri!
April:	Cut! It’s rule number three, Brian. Let’s take it again from the top. Scene 8, Take 2! Action!
Brian:	(Crossing arms, assuming stern expression) Now that they’re gone, I think it’s necessary for me to lay down a few rules. Rule number one, no going into any of the bedrooms. Rule number two, keep your hands to yourself, as much as possible. If you have any itches in awkward places, deal with it.
Jim:	I think we heard the ‘keep all hands, feet, and objects to yourself’ lecture in kindergarten, Brian.
Brian:	Rule number four---
Trixie:	*giggling madly* You skipped rule number three!
Jim:	And you got in medical school how???
	Scene 10, Take 1
	(Dan, knowing Mrs. Belden’s penchant for early morning baking, searches the countertops until he finds a leftover biscuit. He pours himself a glass of milk, puts the biscuit on a napkin, and sits down across from Trixie and Jim at the table. Immediately, Dan notices the handcuffs, but he doesn’t say a word. For several minutes, he happily munches and slurps. Finally, he can’t keep a straight face anymore, and laughs, making milk shoot out of his nose.)
Dan:	*chuckling and wiping milk off his shirt* Quit staring at me! It’s getting me tickled!
April:	Cut! *giggle* Have wardrobe send Dan in another black T-shirt, one size too small! Gotta show off all those rippling pectorals resulting from all that wood chopping…
	Scene 15, Take 1
	(Mesmerized by Trixie’s shiny curls, Jim did not notice the can Trixie grabbed. Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by a hiss and a cloud of hazy fumes.)
Jim:	*screaming and rubbing eyes* My eyes! My eyes! You squirted that crap in my eyes!
April:	Cut! You all right, Jim?
	Scene 18, Take 1
Trixie:	We did not! But we were going to!
Jim:	(tickling Trixie) You’d better talk Belden, or I’m gonna tickle the pee out of you!
Trixie:	(gasping for breath) Stop! Stop! No, I mean it! Stop!
Jim:	*pulling away* Uh… I think Trixie is gonna need some new pajama pants. And we’re gonna need a new couch…
	Scene 24, Take 1
Trixie:	Does it look like I can go to the New Year’s Eve party? I am in my pajamas! If that wasn’t bad enough, I have dried chili stuck to my pajama top! My hair is a mess, and Jim has threatened my life if I get any more make-up on him! I can’t go like this!
Brian:	What? You… look… uh… great.
Mart:	Actually, you don’t look much different than how you normally do.
	(Brian elbows Mart in the gut.)
Mart:	OW!!! Watch it, Bri! I just ate! This is just a movie. You don’t have to really whack my guts out!
April:	Brian, I don’t think it’s necessary to elbow Mart so vigorously. If you don’t calm down, I’ll have to find a replacement. Are you all right, Mart? Do you need to relax for a moment or two?
Brian:	*muttering* Gee, I wonder who April’s favorite is. Is your trailer OK, Mart? Need anything, Mart? Can I help you practice your lines, Mart? It’s not fair.
Jim:	You’re tellin’ me!!! I used to be her favorite, till all of a sudden I was replaced by Motor-Mouth! Hey, I’m the supple one!
Brian:	She doesn’t even like blonds. She goes for tall, dark, and handsome. So, why am I not her favorite? I mean, she likes Dad better than me! What is up with that?
Jim:	All these years of being her favorite, and suddenly, Curly Top steals my thunder! It all started when she read that C’est La Vie story.
Brian:	I mean, Dan I could understand. At least he’s sullen and mysterious. But Mart?! What’s up with this ‘personality mattering’ crap? What’s wrong with ‘strong and silent’?
Jim:	It’s all that Susan’s fault. She swayed April to the sunshine side. All those lovey dovey Mart and Di scenes from Treasury of Coins… And that His-story… The Bottomless, Stainless Steel Stomach has to be stopped or he’ll steal all our babes!
Trixie:	*rolling her eyes* Men!
	Scene 28, Take 1
	(clock striking midnight, record playing softly)
Jim:	(gazing into Trixie’s blue eyes and moving closer…) Well, I don’t want to break any New Year’s traditions. I’d better ring in the new year right.
	(Trixie nods and moves in closer)
April:	Cut! This lighting isn’t right. Can somebody get a technician in here to make some adjustments?
	(Twenty minutes later…)
April:	OK. Scene 28, Take 2! Action! Cue the music and the clock!
Jim:	(gazing into Trixie’s blue eyes and moving closer…) Well, I don’t want to break any New Year’s traditions. I’d better ring in the new year right.
	(Trixie nods and moves in closer)
Record Player:	Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight When it’s exactly twelve… twelve… twelve… twelve… twelve…
April:	Cut! The record is skipping! Someone run out to an antique store and find a new one!
	(Two hours later…)
April:	Let’s get back to work. Scene 28, Take 3! Action! Cue the music. Cue the clock.
Jim:	(gazing into Trixie’s blue eyes and moving closer…) Well, I don’t want to break any New Year’s traditions. I’d better ring in the new year right.
	(Trixie nods and moves in closer…)
April:	Cut! I need more anticipation, Trixie! Let’s try and look more anxious. Let’s try it again from the top. Scene 28, Take 4! Action!
Jim:	(gazing into Trixie’s blue eyes and moving closer…) Well, I don’t want to break any New Year’s traditions. I’d better ring in the new year right.
	(Trixie nods anxiously and moves in closer…)
April:	Cut! The muses are at work here. What do all think about removing the kissing scene and having some sort of dream sequence? Think that would work? Oh, what the heck. Let’s try the kissing scene… Scene 28, Take 5! Action!
Jim:	(gazing into Trixie’s blue eyes and moving closer…) Well, I don’t want to break any New Year’s traditions. I’d better ring in the new year right.
	(Trixie nods anxiously and moves in even closer…)
April:	Cut! Jim, you look angry. Try to look happy. After all, you’re finally getting that first kiss. Let’s try it again…
	(Four hours later…)
April:	Scene 28, Take 372! Ac---. Oops. 5:00. Time to quit, guys. Can’t make the union mad. See ya first thing in the morning! *VEG* Bloopers for “Confessions of Three Teenage Drama Queens” Scene 2, Take 1 (Helen is standing outside Trixie’s door, listening…)
Helen:	(thinking) That’s strange… They’re awfully quiet in there. (Leans against the door to listen more carefully) Why, I don’t he---
	CRASH!!!! (Helen crashes through doorway set)
April:	Cut! Call set design in here and tell them we need a sturdier form of plaster.
	Scene 5, Take 1
Helen:	(standing outside Trixie’s door, with a big plate of brownies and cookies) Knock, knock!
Trixie:	(from inside room) You may enter.
Helen:	If you want your chocolate, open the door. My hands are full. (Bed springs squeak and stomping can be heard from other side of the door.)
Trixie:	(opens door and takes goodies out of Helen’s hands) Thanks. See ya! (slams door closed)
April:	Cut! That’s not what the script says. Quit goofing around and bring back the chocolate. (Taps foot impatiently. Meanwhile, faint munching can be heard from the other side of the door.) You girls had better NOT be eating the props! *banging on door* We need those cookies! Scene 6, Take 1
Di:	*sniffling* Where’s the fudge? (Looks ready to burst into tears)
Peter:	(enters room carrying fudge and 2-liter bottle of soda) I’ve got it right here.
Trixie:	DAD!!! (Peter, not expecting that emotional of an outburst, jumps literally a foot off the ground, his arms flailing madly about. As a result, the aforementioned fudge and cola went airborne, the fudge landing face down on the carpet and the cola exploding from built up pressure)
Di:	NOOOO!!! (collapses in an hysterical heap on the floor) Not the f-f-fudge!!! Scene 7, Take 1
Trixie: Honey: Di:	Boys are mean. Boys are gross. Boys have cooties.
Peter:	But I’m not a boy. I’m a man.
Honey:	You suuuure are… (looking admiringly at Mr. Belden)
April:	(clearing throat nervously) Ummm… cut. Scene 8, Take 1
Helen:	Ye-es. Remember in the kitchen, you said you needed my assistance in the barn…?
Peter:	*coughing* O-oh, yes, sweetheart. That barn! I-I-I needed you to get your hairpin and take a look at that… that thing we talked about… (throws his hands up in disgust) Ah, heck with it! C’mon, Helen. Let’s go to the barn and exercise those marital benefits. (grabs Helen and kisses her passionately) (Trixie begins screaming)
April:	Cut! (runs to frantically cover Honey and Di’s eyes) Scene 10, Take 1
Di:	What? Like them doing it? (Honey collapses in a fit of giggles, while Trixie is shrieking in horror. Trixie buries her head under her pillow. Honey and Di laugh so hard that they fall off the bed.)
Trixie:	(her head still buried under her pillow) *in Ah-nold Schwarzenegger voice* Give me de air, Cohagen.
April:	Cut! The Terminator voice isn’t working for me, Trixie. Let’s try option two. Scene 10, Take 2! Action!
Trixie:	(her head still buried under her pillow) *in Jack Nicholson voice* You want the air? You can’t handle the air!
April:	Cut! Nope, that doesn’t work either, Trix. Give option three a go. Scene 10, Take 3! Action!
Trixie:	(her head still buried under her pillow) *singing loudly and off-key* All I need is the air that I breathe, and to love… y---
April:	Cut, cut, cut! That definitely isn’t working. Forget that and go with option four. Scene 10, Take 4!
Trixie:	(her head still buried under her pillow) Laugh it up, Fuzzballs. *gasp* Can I come out now? If I don’t get some air soon, I’m gonna smother to death.
April:	Cut! Trixie come up for oxygen while I go to my office and work on this… Scene 12, Take 1
Di:	Well, not that I’m some big mathematician or anything, but odds are that they’ve done it at least… *pauses to tick Belden children off on her fingers* 3.14159 ti---
April:	Cut! Uh, Di, I think you need to recheck your figures. That number is supposed to be FOUR.
Di:	*sighing in exasperation* Who do you think I am? Misty? I’m an actress, not an accountant. Scene 16, Take 1
Trixie:	*singing* She wants to see you again…
Honey:	*singing* Slowly twisting…
Di:	*singing* In the wind… *leaping in the air to click her heels together* (Di misses the couch on her descent, and lands with a loud clatter on the floor. She begins screaming in pain.)
Trixie:	Cool! Look at how her shin bone is popping out of her skin!
Honey:	*staggering around* Oh, oh, oh! Look at all that blood!
April:	Get Brian in here! See if he can make one of his make-do splints. And call the talent agency for a Di-lookalike. Scene 18, Take 1
Trixie:	M-Mart and Br-Bri-Brian are idiots, I can see wh-why they’d do th-th-this. But not J-J-Jim. He’s the m-most wonderful *sob* b-boy in the w-w-wor-rld.
Honey:	*wailing* Maybe they’re gay!
Trixie:	Impos---
April:	Cut! We’re going to have to fix that line, people, and make it more PC. I don’t want The Cameo getting sued. So I’m swiping something I saw from a TV show once. Here are your revised scripts. *handing them out* Okay… Scene 18, Take 2! Action!
Trixie:	M-Mart and Br-Bri-Brian are idiots, I can see wh-why they’d do th-th-this. But not J-J-Jim. He’s the m-most wonderful *sob* b-boy in the w-w-wor-rld.
Honey:	*wailing* Maybe they’re gay! Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Trixie:	Impossible! Not that there’s anything wrong with that… *shrugging*
Di:	Maybe they really like Loyola, Linnie, and Dot Murray better than they like us.
Trixie:	Okay, so maybe they are gay… not that there’s anything wrong with that… Scene 20, Take 1 (Jim begins pulling off his wet jeans.)
Brian:	We have an audience.
Jim:	Good grief! (tries to pull up pants, but they get twisted and he can’t)
Trixie:	So that’s where you keep your harmonica, Jim… *giggling*
	Bloopers for “A Sticky Situation” Scene 1, Take 1
Trixie:	Of course they’ll show up. *sighs impatiently* We’re early. The boys don’t need to be here for another fifteen minutes.
Di:	Do you think they figured out our plan? *twirls a strand of hair around her index finger* Maybe… Maybe… *yanking hand* Maybe…
April:	Cut! The line is: Maybe they decided not to come.
Di:	*groans* I know the line. My finger’s stuck in my acrylic nail and I can’t get it out. Scene3, Take 1
Di:	Mart’s not hairy.
Trixie:	True, but Mart didn’t get the hairy Belden gene. My almost-twin has all of twenty-six nose hairs, whi---
April:	Cut! That’s chest hairs, not nose hairs. Let’s try it again from your part, Trixie. Scene 3, Take 2! Action!
Trixie:	True, but Mart didn’t get the hairy Belden gene. My almost-twin has all of twenty-six ear ha---
April:	Cut! Chest hairs, chest hairs, chest hairs! Not ear hair! Do you think he’s my high school Spanish teacher? *cleansing breath* OK. Let’s try it again, Trixie. Scene 3, Take 3! Action!
Trixie:	True, but Mart didn’t get the hairy Belden gene. My almost-twin has all of twenty-six pubic--- *shaking head and wrinkling nose* Wait, I know that’s not right. I mean, I don’t know, and I really don’t want to know… Is it time for lunch yet?
Honey:	Scene 4, Take 1 Di! *clutching hair in hands* I don’t want to hear about “nekkid”
Di:	I do. Tell us, Trixie. Was he nekkid?
Trixie:	*cheeks burning* He had on a towel. And I barely even saw him. WAIT!!! *scratching chin thoughtfully* Stop the train! I have an idea. I know this isn’t in the script, but you’re going to love it. I was just thinking that maybe I should really see “nekkid” Jim to help me feel more embarrassed during that part. I mean, wouldn’t it help me enhance my craft and… and… and, you know, make the scene more realistic? Isn’t that the best idea you’ve ever heard? *crickets chirping*
Trixie:	OK. Bad idea. Let’s drop the whole “seeing nekkid Jim” idea. Let’s just try this scene again, shall we, sans “really seeing nekkid Jim” idea, of course. *cheeks blazing a fiery red* April, can you, like, yell “cut” before Brian comes to see what’s going on? Scene 7, Take 1
Di:	*pointing to gymnasium entrance, and then clutches Trixie’s and Honey’s arms* Here they come! (Brian, Jim, Mart, and Dan enter gymnasium and look at the roaring crowd.)
Brian:	*blushing slightly* (Hesitantly waves to crowd, smiling shyly)
Jim:	*flashing lopsided grin* (Holds up one muscular arm in a confident wave)
Dan:	*grinning at the crowd* (Winking flirtatiously to a select few women in audience) *Suddenly, his dark, sexy bedroom eyes fall upon a lovely creature sitting on the front row of the Bloopers* Terry!!! (Dan runs to Terry’s side, and easily lifts her into his arms and carries her off stage, Rhett Butler-style.)
April:	Dan! Bring her back! She’d needed on the Blackwater Set for the airport scene! Scene 11, Take 1
Trixie:	(Walks in front of Dan, inspecting his chest.) Mmm-hmmmm. (Moves on to Mart.) Just as I thought. (Honey and Di stifle giggles.) (Moves on to Jim and thoroughly examines his supple pectorals.) Ye-es. (Di gives Trixie a gentle shove)
Honey:	Move on, dear.
Trixie:	Veeeery nice. (running hand over muscles on Jim’s chest) You must work out. (Honey and Di exchange a knowing look. Di shoves Trixie again, this time a bit more forceful)
Honey:	*clears throat* Move on, dear.
Trixie:	*still admiring Jim’s supple chest* Are you sure you don’t chop wood? Scene 15, Take 1
Mark:	*raises hand* So you’re not waxing cars?
Trixie:	No. We considered having a traditional car wash, but we read about a bunch of guys in North Dakota that waxed their chests and backs for charity, and we thought that would be a fun way to raise money.
Mark:	Well, if you’re not going to wax my car, I’m outta here. I still have time to meet Casey for a game of Ultimate Frisbee. See ya. *stands up and walks down bleachers, saluting boys as he exits gymnasium*
Honey:	Call me, Mark! *gives a dreamy sigh* He’s such a wonderful “Rock, Paper, Scissors” player. Scene 19, Take 1
Di:	(pulls out a tube from one of her cosmetic cases, squeezes out some of the contents onto a cotton ball, and dabs it onto Brian’s chest)
Brian:	*arching brow* What’s that?
Di:	Topical steroid cream.
Brian:	*inhales deeply* It smells minty fresh.
Di:	*looks at tube and giggles* Oops! This is my toothpaste. Sorry!
April:	Cut! Someone call Make-up and have them wash the Colgate Total out of Brian’s chest hairs. Scene 22, Take 1
Di:	(Sticks wooden applicator into the can and stirs it to test consistency) (Scoops up a bit of the warm, melted wax, oil and rosin mixture onto a spatula and walks over to Brian) Are you ready?
Brian:	*gulps loudly* Ready as I’ll ever be. *closes eyes tightly and braces himself* (Di applies a thin layer of the mixture onto a small patch of hair on Brian’s chest and then lays on a thin, muslin strip) Hey! That wax feels real!
April:	Cut! *walks over to Brian* It is real, Brian. And before you ask, so are the muslin strips.
Brian:	*gulping loudly* I thought we were acting. I didn’t think you were really going to wax us.
April:	Sorry, Brian. We have a $21.15 budget. We can’t afford to hire Weta Workshop to design fake wax. Rip it, Di! (Di rips strip from Brian’s chest while he screams obscenities that The Cameo has censored to keep this suitable for public viewing.) Someone call Make-Up and have them cover that smooth patch of chest with synthetic hair so we can do this take again. Scene 30, Take 1 (Trixie rips CathyP’s strip from Jim’s lower abdomen)
Jim:	*eyes closed tightly* Is it over?
Trixie:	*smiling slightly* It’s over. Now how about I kiss it and make it better?
Jim:	*grinning broadly* That would be---
April:	Rated a red star! Cut! And please, stick to the script!

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