Blooper Reel
Page Two
“Glimpses in
the Future” universe
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ATTENTION!
The following features have been issued a food and drink warning! View at
your own risk. Upon the recommendation of several much-respected individuals
in the Jixemitri administrative community, The
Cameo is hereby placing an advisory that the contents of this Blooper Reel
may cause the spewing out of beverages from the mouth and/or nose. In
addition, please use discretion in the consumption of solid foods while
perusing these outtakes. If food becomes lodged in esophagus, please seek
medical attention immediately. The
Cameo is not responsible for damages resulting from the spilling, spewing, or
choking of/on beverages and/or food. Furthermore, The Cameo is not entitled to
reimburse the patron for new computer screens (so in other words, don’t spit
your coffee out on that new expensive plasma monitor), keyboards (spew cookie
crumbs in opposite direction, please), etc. etc. WARNING! Certain types of food
can become dangerous projectiles when rapidly ejected from one’s mouth. The
Cameo is not responsible if those peanuts become guided missiles. The
Cameo acknowledges the common occurrence of incontinence among women. Our
theatre is a caring, sharing environment, sensitive to the feelings of its
patrons. Therefore, to help prevent any embarrassing accidents, The Cameo
advises its viewers (especially those who are pregnant, or who have not been
practicing their Kegels) to please expel all
liquids from your bladder (go pee) before this special feature. The Cameo is
not responsible for the staining of clothing and/or furniture for failure to
comply with this request. Thank
you. Please enjoy the special feature. J |
Click these hyperlinks below to jump to outtakes from these stories:
Fools | Ain’t Too Proud to Beg
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Bloopers from “Why Do
Fools Fall in Love?” |
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Scene 3, Take 1 |
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Jim: |
(talking
to florist on cell phone while driving very quickly to Sleepyside)
What do you mean you’re out of orchids?! No, I don’t want carnations!
I need an orchid corsage, and I need it now! |
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April: |
Cut! |
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Scene 5, Take 1 |
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Honey: |
(hugging
Trixie) Sometimes love is the greatest mystery of
all! |
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Trixie: |
*gagging
and giggling madly* Can I have some pancakes to go with that
syrupy line? |
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Scene 6, Take 1 |
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Trixie: |
(Trixie leans back in her office chair and props her feet on
her cluttered desk. She leans back too far, and the office chair tips
backwards and lands on the floor) |
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*kicking
her feet* HOLP! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! *giggle* |
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Scene 9, Take 1 |
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Jim: |
The other kind of
girl didn’t dress up just to impress me or any other boy. She never does.
She’s my choice of the two. Right now her sandy curls need combing, and she
sure could use some lipstick. |
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Trixie: |
Genuine?! Comfortable?!
What do you mean by that, James Winthrop Frayne?! (poking
Jim’s supple chest with her finger) |
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Jim: |
(stuttering)
I-I-I didn’t m-mea--- |
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Trixie: |
My curls need
combing?! (slapping away Jim’s freckled hand) |
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Jim: |
That’s a good thing.
They look se--- |
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Trixie: |
Sure could use
lipstick?! (whacking
Jim’s firm bicep) *sniff, sniff* I’ll be in my trailer! |
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Jim: |
(running
after her) Trix!!! |
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April: |
Uh… cut. |
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Scene 11, Take 1 |
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Trixie: |
Tell me. |
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Jim: |
It means that
you’re my special girl, Trixie. As if you didn’t
know that already. (leans in for that
long-awaited kiss) |
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April: |
Cut! No kissing
yet, Jim. |
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Jim: |
But you promised
me kissing in the future uni! |
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April: |
Yes, but this is
a flashback scene. Don’t blame me. I didn’t write that part. |
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Jim: |
If I don’t get
some action soon, me and my fond glances are outta here! |
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Scene 18, Take 1 |
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Trixie: |
And why would I
subject myself to such torture? |
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Honey: |
Because you love
Jim, and you want to remove him from the clutches of that high-class bi--- |
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April: |
Cut! Madeleine
G. Wheeler! I’m surprised at you! Where’s that legendary tact? The word is
‘hussy.’ Follow the script. |
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Scene 20, Take 1 |
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Trixie: |
I can’t breathe!
This dress is cutting off my circulation! |
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Honey: |
You don’t need
to breathe; just smile. (Trixie attempts a bright smile. Suddenly, she sneezes and
RIIIPPPPPPP!!!) |
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Trixie: |
I told you this
dress was too small! |
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April: |
Cut! Call
wardrobe! And keep Jim outta here! |
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Scene 22, Take 1 |
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Jim: |
(hugging
Trixie)
Wow, Trix! You look fantastic! |
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Trixie: |
(seductively
whispering in Jim’s ear)
Clean up pretty good, don’t I, Frayne? |
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Jim: |
(Holds
Trixie even tighter and starts nuzzling her neck
and whispering in her ear. Suddenly, he picks her up and carries her away.) |
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Trixie: |
*giggling* Why, Jim! This is all so sudden! |
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April: |
Cut! Get back
here, and stick to the script, Frayne! |
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Scene 25, Take 1 |
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Amanda: |
Oh, it’s so
busy! I just got a big contract to decorate a senator’s mansion. He is a
close personal friend of Daddy’s. It’s important to have the right
connections. The senator mentioned giving Jimmy a big, fat check for his school.
Isn’t that wonderful? (batting her eyelashes
repeatedly) There is nothing more important to me than… *eyes tightly shut* AAARGHH!!! OMIGOSH! I CAN’T MOVE MY EYES!
SOMEBODY PUT SUPERGLUE IN MY MASCARA! AAAYYY!!! IT BURNS!!! (Trixie stifles a grin and sneaks off the set…) |
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Scene 31, Take 1 |
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Di: |
(popping
appetizers into Mart’s mouth) |
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Trixie: |
Oh, brother! You
two are going to make me lose my appetite if I have to sit here and watch this
all evening. You’re as bad as Moms and Dad. If I wanted to be sub… What’s
that word? |
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April: |
Subjected. Let’s
try it again. Scene 31, Take 2! Action! |
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Di: |
(popping
appetizers into Mart’s mouth) |
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Trixie: |
Oh, brother! You
two are going to make me lose my appetite if I have to sit here and watch
this all evening. You’re as bad as Moms and Dad. If I wanted to be
subjacent--- |
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April: |
Cut! That’s
subjected, Trixie! Take 3! Action! (Mart
burps as Di sticks yet another appetizer into his
mouth) |
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Trixie: |
Oh, brother! You
two are going to make me lose my appetite if I have to sit here and watch
this all evening. You’re as bad as Moms and Dad. If I wanted to be subjoined
to--- |
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April: |
Cut! The word is
subjected, Trix. Let’s try it again. |
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Trixie: |
Sorry. I’m
having trouble remembering that. |
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April: |
No problem.
Let’s take it again from the top. Take 4! |
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Di: |
(holding out another appetizer for Mart…) |
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Mart: |
(suddenly
belches loudly and covers his mouth)
No more smoked salmon cream cheese pinwheels! (hastily
exits scene) |
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Di: |
*giggle* I never thought I’d see Mart run away
from food! |
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Trixie: |
How many of
those things did he have? |
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Di: |
(peers
onto plate) Well, I started
out with twelve, and the cameraman refilled my plate twice, so I guess Mart’s
had about 30 or so. |
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Trixie: |
*chuckles
evilly* Death by hors
d’oeuvre. |
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Di: |
But what better
way for Mart to go! |
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April: |
Cut! Someone go check
and see if that awful hurling sound is coming from Mart’s dressing room. |
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Preparing to shoot Scene 33, Take 1 |
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April: |
Jim Frayne!
Brian Belden! Where are you? JIM! BRIAN! Get your butts on the set! |
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Assist. Dir. |
April, I found them!
They are in the extras’ dressing room! |
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April: |
(angrily
stomps to the extras dressing room and opens the door) |
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Jim: |
(arm
is around Kaye, he’s looking at her fondly and he’s tugging on a strand of hair) You know, Kaye, I really go for blonds. How about you dump the politician and be my special girl? |
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Brian: |
(stroking
Kathy’s cheek) You know, I’m
not really a doctor, but I play one on TV. Mind if I practice my bedside
manner on you? |
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April: |
JAMES |
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Scene 61, Take 1 |
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Trixie: |
Is Mart keeping the ‘Cackling Witch with a Capital B’ occupied? |
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(Di looks uncomfortable and quite confused.) |
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April: |
Cut! Di, you’re supposed to look perplexed, then
smile as you figure it out. Let’s try it again. Scene 61, Take 2! Action! |
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Trixie: |
Is Mart keeping the ‘Cackling Witch with a Capital B’ occupied? |
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(Once
again, Di looks confused and scratched her chin, as
if deep in thought.) |
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April: |
Cut! Are you
having problems, Diana? |
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Di: |
Well, uh… I just
don’t get it. Witch doesn’t start with a ‘b’. It starts with a ‘w.’ |
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April: |
I know sweetie.
That’s the joke. Trixie is really giving a more
accurate description of Amanda’s personality without actually saying it. Get
it? |
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Di: |
(Shakes
her head slowly, staring in confusion)
Not really. She’s a witch with a capital B? |
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April: |
Think, Di! Take away the ‘w’ in ‘witch’ and replace it with a
‘b’. |
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Di: |
*giggling* Oh, I get it! That’s funny! |
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Trixie: |
*sigh* Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a
child, Di? |
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Di: |
*batting
violet eyes in confusion*
Why do you ask? |
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Scene 65, Take 1 |
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Jim: |
Finally, I want to acknowledge another special person, Amanda
Woodward. *nods to Amanda* (She does not come on
stage.) |
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April: |
Cut! Where’s
Amanda? Was she backstage, Jim? |
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Jim: |
*blowing
kisses at Trixie* Uh… I didn’t see her. |
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April: |
*to
first assistant* Find the
shrew. |
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(Ten
minutes later…) |
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First Assistant: |
*Out
of breath* She’s in her
dressing room. She refuses to come out. |
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April: |
Refuses to come
out??!! Why?! |
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First Assistant: |
She says she’s sick
of the hate mail and the boos and the rotten
tomatoes. Her shrink told her to take a break, that this wasn’t good for her
psyche. |
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April: |
She knew she’d
be hated when she took this role! Tell her to get her butt out here now, or I’ll
give her part to Dot Murray! |
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Scene 66, Take 1 |
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(Polite
applause throughout ballroom. Camera slowly pans to Trixie, who has is supposed to be crying, but is not.) |
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April: |
Cut! Where’s the
tear, Trixie? I need a tear. |
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Trixie: |
OK. I’ll do
better next time. |
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April: |
Scene 66, Take
2! Action! |
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(Polite
applause throughout ballroom. Camera slowly pans to Trixie,
who is squeezing her eyes together tightly in an attempt to force out a
tear.) |
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April: |
Cut! You look like
your constipated, Trixie. Let’s try this again and
think sad thoughts. Reddy being ran over. A shortage of orchids in florist
shops around the world. No more fond glances. Dusting 24 hours a day, seven
days a week! Scene 66, Take 3! Action! |
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(Polite
applause throughout ballroom. Camera slowly pans to Trixie,
whose lip is quivering, but still no tears.) |
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Mart: |
Need me to kick her for you? That might bring a tear or two? |
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Scene 70, Take 1 |
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Trixie: |
I’m sure you and Mr. Wheeler are very pleased at his choice for a
bride. Amanda is… very nice, and will… make a fine wife for Jim. |
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Mrs. Wheeler |
I suppose so.
She’s from an up--- *cough, cough, cough* (in a
raspy, heavy |
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April: |
Uh… cut. |
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(Several
minutes later…) |
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Mrs. Wheeler: |
*taking
one last drink from her flask and putting out her cigarette* Aw right. Let’s get crackin’,
missy. I gotta meet Maude at the @#%* Bingo Hall at
seven %#@$ o’clock. (Mrs. Wheeler smoothes her
hair, and once again begins speaking in her cultured voice.) Where was
I? Oh, yes. I suppose so. She’s from an upstanding family… |
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Scene 72, Take 1 |
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Regan: |
Hunter green,
emerald green, sage green! I feel like I’m at some sort of freakin’ Crayola convention.
This would help if I wasn’t colorblind! |
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Dan: |
(thumbing
through wraps) Was Kathy’s
shawl navy blue, royal blue, or midnight blue? |
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Regan: |
(groaning) You’ve been watching too much ‘Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy.’ |
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Dan: |
(doing
his best sashay and waving his hands) *in a lispy
voice* That’s my favorite
show, Billy. I jus’ luuuve how they color
coordinate. |
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Regan: |
(attempting
to stifle a chuckle and walking away with his head down) |
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Dan: |
(skipping
after Regan) Billy! Come
back! |
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April: |
(rolling
in floor, laughing) Cut! |
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Scene 73, Take 1 |
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Dan: |
Mrs. Wheeler
told us she had a phone call and had to leave. |
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Regan: |
I thought Mrs.
Wheeler was dead! |
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Dan: |
No, you’re
thinking about the What Might Have Been Uni. Mrs. W is still kickin’ in this uni. |
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Regan: |
(muttering
under his breath) Stupid
director for having all these unis. What’s a ‘uni’ anyway? |
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April: |
Cut! Regan, my
office. NOW! |
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Scene 74, Take 1 |
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Brian: |
I was getting
ready to leave. I thought maybe you decided to lock me out. |
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Honey: |
I thought about
it. (stepping aside to allow Brian to come in)
Come on in. |
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Brian: |
(sitting
on couch, loosening his tie) *in his best Rodney Dangerfield voice* No respect. I get no respect. |
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April: |
Cut! |
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Scene 75, Take 1 |
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Honey: |
(very
angry) Brian Belden! What is
wrong with you? |
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Brian: |
(very
angry, as well) Nothing! I’m
just concerned about my baby sister! |
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Honey: |
(growing
more furious) Right now I’m
more concerned about… *giggle, snort, giggle* |
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Brian: |
(staying
in character) More concerned
about what? Learning your lines? |
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Honey: |
(overcome
with a fit of giggles)
Sorry… *giggle* Brian just looks sooo… *giggle* sooo serious…. *snort*
and kind of mean… *giggle* |
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April: |
Cut! |
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Scene 76, Take 1 |
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Brian: |
(holding
Honey in his arms) Oh,
Honey, I’m so sorry. |
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Honey: |
About what? |
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Brian: |
Everything.
About not trusting Jim. About thinking Trixie was
on the verge of suicide. About jumping on you in the ballroom. About being an
obsessive, compulsive, psy… Hey, I’m not saying
this! I’m not a psychotic whack job! |
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April: |
We know you’re
not, Brian. But just say the line. |
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Brian: |
(calling
off-stage) Somebody get El
on the phone! Tell her to contact all the members of the Brian Belden fan
club immediately and picket sound stage two! I’m boring, not psychotic! |
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April: |
(to
her first assistant) Notify
security that we’ll be dealing with some angry Brian fans. Call for back up. |
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Scene 77, Take 1 |
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Mart: |
Besides, you
call her Mistress Squawkinhonker. I almost got a
hernia trying to control my laughter when you called her that during the
announcement. |
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Di: |
(leaning
down and kissing Mart’s neck)
Poor baby. |
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Mart: |
Then, to top it
all off, Honey, Miss Congeniality
of the… of the… Ooh, yeah. Right there. That feels… |
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April: |
Shall we leave
you two alone? *giggle* Need I remind you
that this is Yellow Star? |
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Scene 79, Take 1 |
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Mart: |
(working
himself up into a dander) Just
thinking about it makes me want to go to the Manor House and see how Jim’s
nose would look reattached to his forehead.
He’ll regret breaking my sister’s heart! |
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Di: |
(in
a sweet voice) I pity the
fool who messes with your sister. |
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April: |
Cut! Di, you’re supposed to do a Mr. T. impersonation with
that line. *in a horrid Mr. T. voice that would
absolutely make Mr. T cringe* I
pity the fool who messes with my sista’! |
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Di: |
*batting
her violet eyes in confusion*
Who’s Mr. T.? |
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Mart: |
*slapping
forehead in disbelief* You
don’t know who Mr. T. is? The A Team? Rocky? Hello? |
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Di: |
I didn’t watch
those shows. And shouldn’t it have been the T team if Mr. T. was on it? |
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April: |
Don’t feel bad, Di. I didn’t watch that stuff either. I just knew who he
was because he was a Johnny Bravo episode that Damon watched. |
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Di: |
*nodding* Mart likes Johnny Bravo. |
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April: |
I thought he
might… |
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Scene 81, Take 1 |
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Mart: |
I’ve known she was crazy about him since I first read that letter we
got from her while Brian and I were at camp. *assuming
falsetto voice* Jim’s just about the most wonderful boy in the
world…He’s simply super at all sports and woodcraft… Jim’s such a stud muffin… I just adore those freckled hands of his… |
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April & Di: |
*giggling
madly* |
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Scene 82, Take 1 |
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Mart: |
And you… |
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Di: |
And I what? |
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Mart: |
And I am married
to… |
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Di: |
And I am married
to the sweetest, most sensitive, most intelligent, handsomest, most charming,
most loving, most wonderful, most adorable,… |
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(All
over the sound stage, crew members begin throwing up…) |
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Scene 84, Take 1 |
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Helen: |
If I ever get pregnant again, I want the
money back we spent on your father’s vasectomy. |
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(Everyone
in the van bursts out laughing) |
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April: |
Cut! We’re
supposed to hear the sound of tires rolling on the pavement, people. |
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Scene 85, Take 1 |
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(Bobby reaches behind Trixie
with one of his long arms, and whacks Mart in the head. Mart then reaches
over Trixie with his shorter arm, and whacks Bobby
on the knee.) |
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Trixie: |
Moms! Da--- |
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*WHACK!!!* |
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Trixie: |
*shrieking
and holding her nose* You
hit me! I’m bleeding! |