THE CAMEO’S

Blooper Reel

Page Two

“Glimpses in the Future” universe

ATTENTION! The following features have been issued a food and drink warning! View at your own risk. Upon the recommendation of several much-respected individuals in the Jixemitri administrative community, The Cameo is hereby placing an advisory that the contents of this Blooper Reel may cause the spewing out of beverages from the mouth and/or nose. In addition, please use discretion in the consumption of solid foods while perusing these outtakes. If food becomes lodged in esophagus, please seek medical attention immediately.

The Cameo is not responsible for damages resulting from the spilling, spewing, or choking of/on beverages and/or food. Furthermore, The Cameo is not entitled to reimburse the patron for new computer screens (so in other words, don’t spit your coffee out on that new expensive plasma monitor), keyboards (spew cookie crumbs in opposite direction, please), etc. etc. WARNING! Certain types of food can become dangerous projectiles when rapidly ejected from one’s mouth. The Cameo is not responsible if those peanuts become guided missiles.

The Cameo acknowledges the common occurrence of incontinence among women. Our theatre is a caring, sharing environment, sensitive to the feelings of its patrons. Therefore, to help prevent any embarrassing accidents, The Cameo advises its viewers (especially those who are pregnant, or who have not been practicing their Kegels) to please expel all liquids from your bladder (go pee) before this special feature. The Cameo is not responsible for the staining of clothing and/or furniture for failure to comply with this request.

Thank you. Please enjoy the special feature. J

Click these hyperlinks below to jump to outtakes from these stories:

Fools | Ain’t Too Proud to Beg

	Bloopers from “Why Do Fools Fall in Love?”
	Scene 3, Take 1
Jim:	(talking to florist on cell phone while driving very quickly to Sleepyside) What do you mean you’re out of orchids?! No, I don’t want carnations! I need an orchid corsage, and I need it now!
April:	Cut!
	Scene 5, Take 1
Honey:	(hugging Trixie) Sometimes love is the greatest mystery of all!
Trixie:	*gagging and giggling madly* Can I have some pancakes to go with that syrupy line?
	Scene 6, Take 1
Trixie:	(Trixie leans back in her office chair and props her feet on her cluttered desk. She leans back too far, and the office chair tips backwards and lands on the floor)
	*kicking her feet* HOLP! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! *giggle*
	Scene 9, Take 1
Jim:	The other kind of girl didn’t dress up just to impress me or any other boy. She never does. She’s my choice of the two. Right now her sandy curls need combing, and she sure could use some lipstick.
Trixie:	Genuine?! Comfortable?! What do you mean by that, James Winthrop Frayne?! (poking Jim’s supple chest with her finger)
Jim:	(stuttering) I-I-I didn’t m-mea---
Trixie:	My curls need combing?! (slapping away Jim’s freckled hand)
Jim:	That’s a good thing. They look se---
Trixie:	Sure could use lipstick?! (whacking Jim’s firm bicep) *sniff, sniff* I’ll be in my trailer!
Jim:	(running after her) Trix!!!
April:	Uh… cut.
	Scene 11, Take 1
Trixie:	Tell me.
Jim:	It means that you’re my special girl, Trixie. As if you didn’t know that already. (leans in for that long-awaited kiss)
April:	Cut! No kissing yet, Jim.
Jim:	But you promised me kissing in the future uni!
April:	Yes, but this is a flashback scene. Don’t blame me. I didn’t write that part.
Jim:	If I don’t get some action soon, me and my fond glances are outta here!
	Scene 18, Take 1
Trixie:	And why would I subject myself to such torture?
Honey:	Because you love Jim, and you want to remove him from the clutches of that high-class bi---
April:	Cut! Madeleine G. Wheeler! I’m surprised at you! Where’s that legendary tact? The word is ‘hussy.’ Follow the script.
	Scene 20, Take 1
Trixie:	I can’t breathe! This dress is cutting off my circulation!
Honey:	You don’t need to breathe; just smile. (Trixie attempts a bright smile. Suddenly, she sneezes and RIIIPPPPPPP!!!)
Trixie:	I told you this dress was too small!
April:	Cut! Call wardrobe! And keep Jim outta here!
	Scene 22, Take 1
Jim:	(hugging Trixie) Wow, Trix! You look fantastic!
Trixie:	(seductively whispering in Jim’s ear) Clean up pretty good, don’t I, Frayne?
Jim:	(Holds Trixie even tighter and starts nuzzling her neck and whispering in her ear. Suddenly, he picks her up and carries her away.)
Trixie:	*giggling* Why, Jim! This is all so sudden!
April:	Cut! Get back here, and stick to the script, Frayne!
	Scene 25, Take 1
Amanda:	Oh, it’s so busy! I just got a big contract to decorate a senator’s mansion. He is a close personal friend of Daddy’s. It’s important to have the right connections. The senator mentioned giving Jimmy a big, fat check for his school. Isn’t that wonderful? (batting her eyelashes repeatedly) There is nothing more important to me than… *eyes tightly shut* AAARGHH!!! OMIGOSH! I CAN’T MOVE MY EYES! SOMEBODY PUT SUPERGLUE IN MY MASCARA! AAAYYY!!! IT BURNS!!! (Trixie stifles a grin and sneaks off the set…)
	Scene 31, Take 1
Di:	(popping appetizers into Mart’s mouth)
Trixie:	Oh, brother! You two are going to make me lose my appetite if I have to sit here and watch this all evening. You’re as bad as Moms and Dad. If I wanted to be sub… What’s that word?
April:	Subjected. Let’s try it again. Scene 31, Take 2! Action!
Di:	(popping appetizers into Mart’s mouth)
Trixie:	Oh, brother! You two are going to make me lose my appetite if I have to sit here and watch this all evening. You’re as bad as Moms and Dad. If I wanted to be subjacent---
April:	Cut! That’s subjected, Trixie! Take 3! Action! (Mart burps as Di sticks yet another appetizer into his mouth)
Trixie:	Oh, brother! You two are going to make me lose my appetite if I have to sit here and watch this all evening. You’re as bad as Moms and Dad. If I wanted to be subjoined to---
April:	Cut! The word is subjected, Trix. Let’s try it again.
Trixie:	Sorry. I’m having trouble remembering that.
April:	No problem. Let’s take it again from the top. Take 4!
Di:	(holding out another appetizer for Mart…)
Mart:	(suddenly belches loudly and covers his mouth) No more smoked salmon cream cheese pinwheels! (hastily exits scene)
Di:	*giggle* I never thought I’d see Mart run away from food!
Trixie:	How many of those things did he have?
Di:	(peers onto plate) Well, I started out with twelve, and the cameraman refilled my plate twice, so I guess Mart’s had about 30 or so.
Trixie:	*chuckles evilly* Death by hors d’oeuvre.
Di:	But what better way for Mart to go!
April:	Cut! Someone go check and see if that awful hurling sound is coming from Mart’s dressing room.
	Preparing to shoot Scene 33, Take 1
April:	Jim Frayne! Brian Belden! Where are you? JIM! BRIAN! Get your butts on the set!
Assist. Dir.	April, I found them! They are in the extras’ dressing room!
April:	(angrily stomps to the extras dressing room and opens the door)
Jim:	(arm is around Kaye, he’s looking at her fondly and he’s tugging on a strand of hair) You know, Kaye, I really go for blonds. How about you dump the politician and be my special girl?
Brian:	(stroking Kathy’s cheek) You know, I’m not really a doctor, but I play one on TV. Mind if I practice my bedside manner on you?
April:	JAMES WINTHROP FRAYNE the Second! BRIAN PETER BELDEN! Stop fraternizing with the extras and get back on set!
	Scene 61, Take 1
Trixie:	Is Mart keeping the ‘Cackling Witch with a Capital B’ occupied?
	(Di looks uncomfortable and quite confused.)
April:	Cut! Di, you’re supposed to look perplexed, then smile as you figure it out. Let’s try it again. Scene 61, Take 2! Action!
Trixie:	Is Mart keeping the ‘Cackling Witch with a Capital B’ occupied?
	(Once again, Di looks confused and scratched her chin, as if deep in thought.)
April:	Cut! Are you having problems, Diana?
Di:	Well, uh… I just don’t get it. Witch doesn’t start with a ‘b’. It starts with a ‘w.’
April:	I know sweetie. That’s the joke. Trixie is really giving a more accurate description of Amanda’s personality without actually saying it. Get it?
Di:	(Shakes her head slowly, staring in confusion) Not really. She’s a witch with a capital B?
April:	Think, Di! Take away the ‘w’ in ‘witch’ and replace it with a ‘b’.
Di:	*giggling* Oh, I get it! That’s funny!
Trixie:	*sigh* Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a child, Di?
Di:	*batting violet eyes in confusion* Why do you ask?
	Scene 65, Take 1
Jim:	Finally, I want to acknowledge another special person, Amanda Woodward. *nods to Amanda* (She does not come on stage.)
April:	Cut! Where’s Amanda? Was she backstage, Jim?
Jim:	*blowing kisses at Trixie* Uh… I didn’t see her.
April:	*to first assistant* Find the shrew.
	(Ten minutes later…)
First Assistant:	*Out of breath* She’s in her dressing room. She refuses to come out.
April:	Refuses to come out??!! Why?!
First Assistant:	She says she’s sick of the hate mail and the boos and the rotten tomatoes. Her shrink told her to take a break, that this wasn’t good for her psyche.
April:	She knew she’d be hated when she took this role! Tell her to get her butt out here now, or I’ll give her part to Dot Murray!
	Scene 66, Take 1
	(Polite applause throughout ballroom. Camera slowly pans to Trixie, who has is supposed to be crying, but is not.)
April:	Cut! Where’s the tear, Trixie? I need a tear.
Trixie:	OK. I’ll do better next time.
April:	Scene 66, Take 2! Action!
	(Polite applause throughout ballroom. Camera slowly pans to Trixie, who is squeezing her eyes together tightly in an attempt to force out a tear.)
April:	Cut! You look like your constipated, Trixie. Let’s try this again and think sad thoughts. Reddy being ran over. A shortage of orchids in florist shops around the world. No more fond glances. Dusting 24 hours a day, seven days a week! Scene 66, Take 3! Action!
	(Polite applause throughout ballroom. Camera slowly pans to Trixie, whose lip is quivering, but still no tears.)
Mart:	Need me to kick her for you? That might bring a tear or two?
	Scene 70, Take 1
Trixie:	I’m sure you and Mr. Wheeler are very pleased at his choice for a bride. Amanda is… very nice, and will… make a fine wife for Jim.
Mrs. Wheeler	I suppose so. She’s from an up--- *cough, cough, cough* (in a raspy, heavy New Jersey accent) Can somebody bring me a snoot of @*#% Jack Daniels? Gotta #%*@ frog in my throat. *cough, cough, cough* And maybe a cig… I need a $&%# cig…
April:	Uh… cut.
	(Several minutes later…)
Mrs. Wheeler:	*taking one last drink from her flask and putting out her cigarette* Aw right. Let’s get crackin’, missy. I gotta meet Maude at the @#%* Bingo Hall at seven %#@$ o’clock. (Mrs. Wheeler smoothes her hair, and once again begins speaking in her cultured voice.) Where was I? Oh, yes. I suppose so. She’s from an upstanding family…
	Scene 72, Take 1
Regan:	Hunter green, emerald green, sage green! I feel like I’m at some sort of freakin’ Crayola convention. This would help if I wasn’t colorblind!
Dan:	(thumbing through wraps) Was Kathy’s shawl navy blue, royal blue, or midnight blue?
Regan:	(groaning) You’ve been watching too much ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.’
Dan:	(doing his best sashay and waving his hands) *in a lispy voice* That’s my favorite show, Billy. I jus’ luuuve how they color coordinate.
Regan:	(attempting to stifle a chuckle and walking away with his head down)
Dan:	(skipping after Regan) Billy! Come back!
April:	(rolling in floor, laughing) Cut!
	Scene 73, Take 1
Dan:	Mrs. Wheeler told us she had a phone call and had to leave.
Regan:	I thought Mrs. Wheeler was dead!
Dan:	No, you’re thinking about the What Might Have Been Uni. Mrs. W is still kickin’ in this uni.
Regan:	(muttering under his breath) Stupid director for having all these unis. What’s a ‘uni’ anyway?
April:	Cut! Regan, my office. NOW!
	Scene 74, Take 1
Brian:	I was getting ready to leave. I thought maybe you decided to lock me out.
Honey:	I thought about it. (stepping aside to allow Brian to come in) Come on in.
Brian:	(sitting on couch, loosening his tie) *in his best Rodney Dangerfield voice* No respect. I get no respect.
April:	Cut!
	Scene 75, Take 1
Honey:	(very angry) Brian Belden! What is wrong with you?
Brian:	(very angry, as well) Nothing! I’m just concerned about my baby sister!
Honey:	(growing more furious) Right now I’m more concerned about… *giggle, snort, giggle*
Brian:	(staying in character) More concerned about what? Learning your lines?
Honey:	(overcome with a fit of giggles) Sorry… *giggle* Brian just looks sooo… *giggle* sooo serious…. *snort* and kind of mean… *giggle*
April:	Cut!
	Scene 76, Take 1
Brian:	(holding Honey in his arms) Oh, Honey, I’m so sorry.
Honey:	About what?
Brian:	Everything. About not trusting Jim. About thinking Trixie was on the verge of suicide. About jumping on you in the ballroom. About being an obsessive, compulsive, psy… Hey, I’m not saying this! I’m not a psychotic whack job!
April:	We know you’re not, Brian. But just say the line.
Brian:	(calling off-stage) Somebody get El on the phone! Tell her to contact all the members of the Brian Belden fan club immediately and picket sound stage two! I’m boring, not psychotic!
April:	(to her first assistant) Notify security that we’ll be dealing with some angry Brian fans. Call for back up.
	Scene 77, Take 1
Mart:	Besides, you call her Mistress Squawkinhonker. I almost got a hernia trying to control my laughter when you called her that during the announcement.
Di:	(leaning down and kissing Mart’s neck) Poor baby.
Mart:	Then, to top it all off, Honey, Miss Congeniality of the… of the… Ooh, yeah. Right there. That feels…
April:	Shall we leave you two alone? *giggle* Need I remind you that this is Yellow Star?
	Scene 79, Take 1
Mart:	(working himself up into a dander) Just thinking about it makes me want to go to the Manor House and see how Jim’s nose would look reattached to his forehead. He’ll regret breaking my sister’s heart!
Di:	(in a sweet voice) I pity the fool who messes with your sister.
April:	Cut! Di, you’re supposed to do a Mr. T. impersonation with that line. *in a horrid Mr. T. voice that would absolutely make Mr. T cringe* I pity the fool who messes with my sista’!
Di:	*batting her violet eyes in confusion* Who’s Mr. T.?
Mart:	*slapping forehead in disbelief* You don’t know who Mr. T. is? The A Team? Rocky? Hello?
Di:	I didn’t watch those shows. And shouldn’t it have been the T team if Mr. T. was on it?
April:	Don’t feel bad, Di. I didn’t watch that stuff either. I just knew who he was because he was a Johnny Bravo episode that Damon watched.
Di:	*nodding* Mart likes Johnny Bravo.
April:	I thought he might…
	Scene 81, Take 1
Mart:	I’ve known she was crazy about him since I first read that letter we got from her while Brian and I were at camp. *assuming falsetto voice* Jim’s just about the most wonderful boy in the world…He’s simply super at all sports and woodcraft… Jim’s such a stud muffin… I just adore those freckled hands of his…
April & Di:	*giggling madly*
	Scene 82, Take 1
Mart:	And you…
Di:	And I what?
Mart:	And I am married to…
Di:	And I am married to the sweetest, most sensitive, most intelligent, handsomest, most charming, most loving, most wonderful, most adorable,…
	(All over the sound stage, crew members begin throwing up…)
	Scene 84, Take 1
Helen:	If I ever get pregnant again, I want the money back we spent on your father’s vasectomy.
	(Everyone in the van bursts out laughing)
April:	Cut! We’re supposed to hear the sound of tires rolling on the pavement, people.
	Scene 85, Take 1
	(Bobby reaches behind Trixie with one of his long arms, and whacks Mart in the head. Mart then reaches over Trixie with his shorter arm, and whacks Bobby on the knee.)
Trixie:	Moms! Da---
	*WHACK!!!*
Trixie:	*shrieking and holding her nose* You hit me! I’m bleeding!
Bobby:	Sorry, sis. I guess I wasn’t paying attention.
Mart:	Man! Look at the blood gushing! I didn’t know the nose could hold so much!
April:	Cut! Call the medic, somebody! Brian, can you help til he gets here?
Brian:	I’m not really a doctor! Why do I have to deal with this? Where’s my contract? I don’t think stemming massive blood flow from Trixie’s septum is in our agreement.
Bobby:	Cool! It’s swelling up great big! You look just like Marsha on the Brady Bunch, Trix!
	Scene 86, Take 1
Brian:	(Leaning back in the seat) Man, it sure is comfortable back here. I’ve got this whole seat to myself.
	(Mart and Bobby stop fighting. They look at one another, grin impishly and unfasten their seatbelts. They turned around, bend over their seat, and grab Brian’s long pant’s legs.)
	WHOOSH!!!!
Brian:	Uh, is it just me, or is it kind of drafty in here?
Bobby:	*Triumphantly holding up Brian’s Levis* Whoo-hoo! By the way, nice boxers, dude.
Mart:	*scratching chin thoughtfully* Wonder how much Brian Belden’s pants would go for on e-Bay?
	Scene 89, Take 1
Dan:	Can anyone get in on this love-fest, or is it strictly a Belden thing?
Trixie:	(Laughing) You might as well look just as cra---
April:	Cut! Does anyone know where Jim is? He’s supposed to be in this scene, but he’s not here.
	(Everyone looks around and shrugs)
April:	Someone go tell him he’s needed on set. (The assistant director runs to Jim’s trailer and returns 15 minutes later alone.) Where is Jim?
Assistant Director:	Uhh…. He’s not coming.
April:	Not coming?!? Why not?
Assistant Director:	He said he didn’t like the ending, so he’s not coming out until you change it. He said til his character stops acting like an idiot, he’s on strike.
April:	(muttering under her breath) How am I supposed to work with these people? Is it my fault the muses are leading in this direction? Doesn’t he know there’s a sequel? Good grief!
	Bloopers from “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”
	Scene 2, Take 1
April:	Okay. Here’s what I need you to do for this scene. Trixie, you’re going to be hiding in the cabinet, eavesdropping. Extra #1, you’re the business tycoon, and Extra #2, you’re the doctor. In this scene the two of you are pretending to talk. This is a flashback sequence, and your actual conversation won’t be heard, so you can fake it. Trixie, after Doc and Tycoon exit, you wiggle out of the cabinet. Everybody got it? Okay, let’s try it. Scene 2, Take 1! Action!
Extra #1:	Blah blah… sure is boring being an extra… blah blah…
Extra #2:	Blah… you’re tellin’ me… blah blah… it really bites…
Extra #1:	Blah blah… can we go now?
Extra #2:	Blah blah… yeah, let’s go… (putting hand on Extra #1’s shoulder and leads him out)
	(Extras exit stage)
	*BANG* *BANG* (muffled scream) *BANG* *KICK*
Trixie:	I’m stuck! Somebody get me outta here! *shriek* I’m not kidding! *BANG* April! Are you there? *hysterical scream* I’m getting claustrophobic! Help! *Bob! Bob-White!* Jim? JIIIM!!! Somebody! Anybody? *wail*
	Scene 5, Take 1
Ralph:	(pointing to Jack) Ms. Belden, before we get down to business, I would like to introduce you to Jack Ryan.
April:	Cut! Ralph, his name is Jack Palmer, not Jack Ryan. That was the character Harrison Ford played in “Patriot Games.” Let’s try it again. Scene 5, Take 2! Action!
Ralph:	(pointing to Jack) Ms. Belden, before we get down to business, I would like to introduce you to Jim Palmer.
April:	Cut! The name is Jack Palmer, not Jim Palmer. Jim Palmer was the guy in all those underwear commercials.
Jack:	*rolling eyes* Jim Palmer was a baseball player.
April:	Are you sure? Because I’m positive he starred in some underwear commercials.
Jack:	*waving hands in exasperation* Jim Palmer was a famous baseball player for the Baltimore Orioles! Trixie, surely you know who I’m talking about!
Trixie:	He played baseball? Huh. I didn’t know that, but I definitely remember those underwear commercials.
Jack:	*clutching hair* Forget the underwear commercials! He was a baseball player! He later became an announcer! Forget about the underwear commercials!
Trixie:	*fanning herself* Those Jockey commercials are pretty tough to forget about, Jacko.
Ralph:	Didn’t he do some kinda mortgage commercial after the underwear ones?
	Scene 6, Take 1
Trixie:	(shyly smiling and offering her hand for Jack to shake) It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Jack:	(taking her hand) The pleasure is all mine. (grins)
April:	Cut! Trixie, that was perfect. Jack, you did that all wrong.
Jack:	*studying his script* What did I do wrong? I said my lines correctly.
April:	Yes, that’s true. But Jack… that grin… It’s all wrong.
Jack:	Wrong? What’s wrong with it? I’ve spent thousands at the dentist for this grin!
April:	Well Jack, don’t get me wrong. You’re an extremely handsome man. Extremely! And normally, that grin would be quite dashing. But for this role, it needs to be lopsided.
Jack:	Lopsided? What are you talking about?
April:	Well, I can’t explain it. I’ll have to show it to you. Jim! Come here for a minute, please! You’re needed on set. (Jim is, of course, at April’s beck and call, so he immediately run on stage. J )
Jim:	How can I be of service?
April:	Jim, can you please grin for Jack. (Jim obediently flashes his trademark lopsided grin.) Thank you, Jim. (Jim exits stage center.) Jack, did you see that? THAT’S what I’m talkin’ about! Your grin has to be lopsided if you’re going to offer any kind of competition to the supple redhead.
Jack:	I can’t grin lopsided!
April:	*snort* Well, then you’re fired. I’ll find me a new Jack who can.
Jack:	Wait! Let me try! How’s this? *grin*
April:	*shaking head* Eh, too Jack Nicholson-Jokery.
Jack:	Is this better? *grin*
April:	*wrinkling nose* Ick. Too Jim Carrey-goofy.
Jack:	How about this? *grin*
Trixie:	That’s a little better. But the right side needs to be down an itsy bitsy bit lower.
Jack:	*rolling eyes* Who made you my boss?
Trixie:	*sniff* Hello? I’ve been seeing that lopsided grin since 1948. I think I know it by now. When he first grinned at me in the bo… er, in fanfi… er… When did Jim get that lopsided grin?
April:	*scrunching brow* Hmmm… I dunno. But his grin is definitely lopsided. Maybe it was mentioned in Happy Valley or Cobbett’s Island. Or was it in CathyP or Mary’s uni…? Carol, Dana, or…? *confused sigh*
	Scene 8, Take 1
Trixie:	Sure.
Jack:	(Leans in closer to Trixie for the ki…)
Jim:	*breathlessly runs on stage* Am I needed in this scene?
April:	Cut! Jim? What are you doing here? You aren’t needed until Scene 15.
Jim:	Oops. Sorry. *sheepish lopsided grin* I thought for sure that somebody called my name and said that I was needed on set. (Exits stage left.)
April:	Okay. Sorry about that. Let’s take it from the top. Scene 8, Take 2! Action!
Trixie:	Sure.
Jack:	(Leans in closer to Trixie for th…)
Jim:	*entering through the emergency exit* Hey, everybody! I brought lunch! Who wants plain pepperoni and who wants supreme?
April:	CUT! Jim’s it’s not lunchtime! It’s only nine o’clock in the morning.
Jim:	Really? *tapping watch face* My watch must be wrong. Sorry. I’ll uhh… give this to Mart and come back with some hot ones in a few hours. (Exits stage right.)
April:	*frustrated sigh* Let’s try this again, Trixie and Jack. Scene 8, Take 3! Action!
Trixie:	Sure.
Jack:	(Leans in closer to Tri…)
Jim:	*jumping on stage* HAHAHA! I took those pizzas to Mart, and he just told me the funniest joke. I knew you’d want to hear it. It’s a riot! Okay, there’s these thre---
April:	CUT!!! James Winthrop Frayne the Second! This is getting ridiculous! We’re never going to finish this scene if you don’t quit interrupting us!
Jim:	Never finish it? *hopeful look*
April:	A-HA! I see where this is going, and it’s not going to work! Trixie has to kiss Jack in this scene, and that’s all there is to it! So please leave, so we can get this finished.
Jim:	Can’t he just look at her fondly?
April:	This is no time for jealousy, Jim. We have a deadline.
Jim:	Are you positive? ‘Cause those fond glances carry a lot of weight an---
April:	JIM!!! If you aren’t OFF my stage in two shakes, this little kissing scene is goin’ Jix-18, buddy. Jix-18! I’m talkin’ Jix ‘full of nudity, password-protected, detail-laden, steamy-window, scrog-happy’ 18! Do you get my dr---
Jim:	*races off set, leaving dust trails behind him*
	Scene 10, Take 1
	(Telephone rings. Trixie walks to phone, looks at caller ID, and picks up phone.)
Trixie:	Schoolgirl Shamuses, INC. California branch.
Voice:	Trixie Belden, this is President Bush. I’m requesting your help for an important assignment.
April:	CUT!!! *exhaling loudly* We don’t have time for jokes, people! This has to get finished! Brian Belden! Get out here, and quit fooling around!
Brian:	(enters stage left) What? I just got out of wardrobe. Do you need me?
April:	Jim Frayne! We’re on a tight schedule. If you want to get rid of the honking hussy, you’d better let me finish this scene!
Jim:	(enters stage right) What’s going on? I was just wrapping up this harmonica for BethAnn for the anniversary. Do you need my help?
April:	Dan Mangan! Where are you, and what have you been doing?
Dan:	(enters from emergency exit, blowing kisses to the pretty make-up artist) See ya later, Sue. Thanks for keeping that black leather jacket safe for me. And remember, we’ve got a date. *wink* Did you yell for me, April?
April:	Don’t play coy with me, guys. I know one of you made a prank call earlier.
Mart:	(exits April’s office, and enters center stage) Need me to rough ‘em up for you, sweetheart? *carefully hiding cordless phone behind back*
	Scene 11, Take 1
Honey:	(speaking in monotone) You’re not stupid. It’s only logical that wearing that dress would… what’s the rest of my line?
Trixie:	*giggle* (opens microwave door, gets out tea, and slams microwave door shut) Yo---
	CRASH!!!
	(False wall between Trixie’s “kitchen” and rest of stage falls down. Trixie looks over and sees Honey sitting on the other side, holding a phone, with her mouth gaping open.)
Trixie:	---u’re a stinky actress, and you’re right here, in my very own kitchen! *runs to Honey and hugs her* Oh Honey! You’ve come all this way to see me!
	Scene 12, Take 1
Honey:	*gasp* What did you do?
Trixie:	Jack took care of it. *laugh* He told them that I suffered from opti… opti… ooo---
April:	Cut! That’s optifocinalgia, Trixie. Let’s try it again. Scene 12, Take 2! Action!
Honey:	*gasp* What did you do?
Trixie:	Jack took care of it. *laugh* He told them that I suffered from optifoca-now-now.
April:	Cut! *giggle* Trixie, that’s optifocimeuralgia.
Honey:	I thought it was optifocamymphia.
April:	Or maybe it was optifocachondria?
Honey:	Optifocutaneous?
April:	Optif---
Trixie:	*yawn* I’m going to lunch.
	Scene 18, Take 1
Bobby:	Dude, you look like crap.
Jim:	(gasps, then chuckles wryly) Gee, thanks.
Bobby:	No, I mean it. (rises to his feet) You look awful, man. You look like the Cryptkeeper, or so---
Jim:	CUT! Hold the boat! The Cryptkeeper? I look like the Cryptkeeper?! Are you allowed to write that? Cause if Cathy hears that you’ve been calling me names like that, you’re gonna get in a whole lotta trouble. And I don’t think you wanna mess with Cathy. Word on the street is that she can make Dirty Harry wet his pants…
	Scene 22, Take 1
Jim:	(standing in doorway, eavesdropping on Honey while she’s talking on the phone) *silently mouthing* James Bond. Whoop-eee! (rolling eyes and gesturing wildly)
Honey:	(talking on phone) Is he arrogant? Some guys like him are such male chau---
Jim:	KEEERRRR-CHOOOO!!!
Honey:	---vanist pi… *falls off of the sofa, giggling madly*
April:	Cut! Can somebody bring Jim a Kleenex?
	Scene 26, Take 1
Honey:	No. Nothing of interest to you. (flipping through channels and finally settles on “Once Upon a Honeymoon”)
Jim:	I thought for sure I heard you say ‘after you get home’. Of course, I wasn’t really listening, so I could be mistaken. Is she going someplace? (Several minutes pass…) *nervously clearing throat* I said, is she going someplace? *cough, cough* Earth to Honey? Where’s Trixie? (Several more minutes pass…) Uh… gee… I wonder if anyone will ever tell me if Trixie’s going someplace… *yawn* I wonder if anyone is going to yell ‘Cut!’ or if we’ll be here all day… April? APRIL?!
Honey:	*dreamy sigh* That Cary Grant is one fiiiine man…
April:	*dreamy sigh while sitting in the director’s seat* He sure is… Oh! I love this part! There’s that grin I love so much…
	Scene 32, Take 1
Jim:	(Talking to self in graveyard) Any sacrifice you make will be worth it when you hold her in your arms… (Runs to Suburban, slipping and sliding through the mud…) SPLAT!!!
April:	Cut! You OK, Jim? (Jim nods.) He’s all right. Let’s try it again. Scene 28, Take 2! Action!
Jim:	(Talking to self in graveyard) Any sacrifice you make will be worth it when you hold her in your arms… (Runs to Suburban, slipping and sliding through the mud. Reaches vehicle and yanks on the door handle.) *HONK HONK HONK* Step away from the vehicle. *HO---*
April:	Cut!!! *muttering under her breath* (hits keyless entry to Suburban to stop alarm) Play it again, Sam. Scene 28, Take 3! Action!
Jim:	(Talking to self in graveyard) Any sacrifice you make will be worth it when you hold her in your arms… (Runs to Suburban, slipping and sliding through the mud. Reaches vehicle and yank on the door handle. Flings open door, hops inside, and inserts key into ignition.) Puhpuhpuhpuh *sputter* puhpuhpuhpuh *gasp* puhpuhpuhpuh *silence*
April:	Cut! Is Brian or Tom on set? Ask them if they know anything about a 5300 5.3L V8 engine.
	Scene 32, Take 1
	(Setting is a street near Trixie’s apartment building in California)
Trixie:	And what kind of… exercising would help you the most? (cast sultry smile at Jack)
Jack:	(steps closer to Trixie and takes her in his arms) This kind. (Lowers lips to ki…)
Whispering Voice Off Camera:	Trixie Belden… This is your conscience… Do not kiss that man… He is not the one you love… You can love no other than the supple redhead… I repeat… Do not kiss Jack… This is your conscience speaking… This is the voice of wisdom… Bobby needs his own story… Write Bobby a love scene with a gorgeous supermodel… (hearing approaching footsteps) Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. I am the great an---
April:	*yanking back curtain* Bobby Belden! Get off my stage!
Bobby:	*grinning impishly* Jim said he’d give me twenty bucks if I could break up the kissing scene. *happily holding up $20 bill*
Jim:	(stomps on set and yanks money out of Bobby’s hand) You just had to ask for the supermodel…
	Scene 39, Take 1
Jack:	*smiling sadly* (After handshake with Jim ends, Jack reaches over and grabs the lapels of Jim’s suit jacket) Break her heart again and I’ll break your neck. (straightens lap---)
Jim:	(slaps Jack’s hand away) Back off, you… *squinting at script* … stupid poopie-head?!
Jack:	(shoves Jim against the wall) And if I don’t back off, what’re you gonna do about it, you… big, mean *chortle* dummy-face?!
Jim:	(punches Jack in the gut) I’ll do that, you… *snicker* ugly, stinky *double-checks script* puke-breath?!
Jack:	(lands a right hook on Jim’s nose) Get outta here, you… *smirk* cootie-infested *chuckle*… hairy do---
April:	Cut! Guys, we’re supposed to be having a serious fight scene here! Quit with the laughing and the snickering! What’s wrong with you?
Jim:	Well, it’s kinda hard to have an intense fist fight after you’ve just called someone poopie-head.
Jack:	I agree. For this to be evenly remotely credible, you’re gonna have to throw a “@!#$” in there. And maybe a loud “%*&#”.
Jim:	A good “@#!$” would also be nice.
April:	You boys are lucky I don’t have a bar of soap here. *sigh* I’ll go make some changes…
	Scene 47, Take 1
Trixie:	(sobbing) Go home, Jim. We’ll talk when I come back to Sleepyside to visit.
Jim:	Do you love me?
Trixie:	Yes, I love you! I’ve always loved you! But this mean, vindictive director insists upon keeping us apart! Let’s run away my love! *jumps into Jim’s arms, and they begin kissing passionately*
April:	*ripping up script and throwing pieces up in the air* I’ll uh… be in my office…
	Scene 50, Take 1
	(Trixie and Jim have reconciled. Jim is holding Trixie in his arms. He sets her on the ground.)
Jim:	(murmuring tenderly) Dad. He said it would be worth it when I held you in my arms. And he was right. (He lowers his lips to Trixie’s. The kiss deepens. Trixie wraps her arms around Jim. Jim buries hands in Trixie’s curls. Jim’s freckled hand moves back down and begins sliding up Trixie’s shirt.)
April:	Cut! What’re you doing, Jim? Jim?! *holding megaphone up to Jim’s ear* JIIIMMM!!! CUT!!! An hour later…
Man:	(walks up to April) Hey lady, we’re scheduled to use the stage next to shoot a commercial, an---
April:	*sigh* I’m sorry. I’ve tried to get them to quit. They’ve been in their own little world with their lips locked for over an hour now, an---
Man:	I’m not mad. I was just going to ask if you thought they’d mind being in my Big Red commercial.
April:	*snort* They’re perfect. Now I’m going home.

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